The past few days...

I've had a rule for myself the past few days. The rule was that I wasn't going to allow myself to get on the Internet and start googling all the things that have been running through my mind. I've made that mistake before. And so, when I'm feeling like I'd like to jump in and peek at some info before this morning, I decided I should blog instead.

On Monday morning, I went to have the blood drawn for our Triple Screen genetic testing. This is the test that sent us into orbit when I was pregnant with Joshua. Many may wonder why I'd do it again after the false positive experience we had that time, but I feel strongly about knowing as much as we can about our baby and what we may be facing. I'm questioning that decision just a bit as I sit here this morning, 5 hours from an appointment with the specialists at Geisinger to determine if our new baby is affected by the same horrible condition that they suspected Joshua to be.

Wednesday afternoon when the phone rang at the office, I just knew who it was. Jessica, a wonderful, compassionate nurse at Dr. Miller's office called to let me know that the results were in much sooner than expected (I KNOW this was a gift from God....you'll see why in a minute). They were positive, showing a 1 in 33 chance of our baby being affected with Trisomy 18. The odds with Joshua were 1 in 31, so I suppose if we're looking for a glimmer of hope here, at least we're moving in the right direction, however so slightly. Jess, knew we'd panic, and immediately called upstairs to the other OB practice in Lewisburg where the ultrasound tech that all of the offices share was working that day. Somehow she convinced him to see me that day. He skipped his supper to do a scan for us in Dr. Miller's office at 6:00.

That scan revealed nothing conclusive either way. He said he saw a very active baby with a strong heartbeat, but that I was too early gestationally to do an anatomy scan. Having been down this road once before, I was a little shocked. The last time, we headed straight to Geisinger and had been amazed with the clarity that their ultrasound provided on this tiny little 5" long person. We watched them measure every bone, organ and muscle in Joshua's body with painstaking detail. And now, Mark said it was too soon. We saw a fuzzy baby who dated right on track for my due date, but no detail that gave any indication one way or the other as to whether they are affected with Trisomy 18.

Dr. Miller said that he would completely support our desires to seek the opinion of Geisinger's doctors if we wished to. We do....for information, for peace of mind, for clarity about what's going on. They were able to get us an appointment for this morning at 11:30 to see the same doctor who gave us the assuring news that Joshua was going to be just fine three years ago.

They'll be looking at all of the markers for Trisomy 18- club feet, clenched fists, brain and heart issues, organ malfunction, polycystic kidneys, and the list goes on and on and on.

I am slightly less panicked than I was when this happened the first time. I know full well that we could be in trouble here, although I've not really let myself dwell too much on that possibility. I wonder if maybe there's just something about my own body that is throwing this test off to the same statistical degree as the last time. And then the doubts creep in and I wonder if we can really be lucky enough to get good news twice. I pray that God's will for this situation is that I'm just royally screwed up and throw something into this blood test that earns us the royal treatment with doctors with 80 degrees behind their names at a world class hospital down the road. I'm scared...petrified really, but we're holding it together on the hope that we've been here before and survived. All it takes is one look at Joshua....the "sick" baby who the genetic counselors advised us to be ready to "make some decisions about".....and we realize that good news is a very honest possibility. I choose to cling to that right now.

I'll share what news we get later today. Your prayers are coveted...for this tiny little person who we love so much that it hurts. Pray for clear pictures, a cooperative baby who holds still enough to get the pictures and measurements that the techs need, and wisdom for the doctors who will be helping us. And a little strength for us wouldn't be a bad thing to add to the list if its not too much to ask.