The straw that broke the camel's back.

The month of December has had me at its mercy since the puke in the car incident after Thanksgiving. A combination of too much going on in too many different directions, my role as mediator in affairs that I would have rather been left out of altogether, difficult situations at the office, and schedules for the kids that just won't relent--- it has all just been too much. Add to it the normal December hustle and bustle of activities, gift buying, decorating, and baking and I have just about been at my knees. Joy has been elusive...and peace, well, it hasn't been near. 

I have had a completely new understanding lately about how much of kids' celebrations and activities revolve around food. And until your kid is one who is limited in his ability to participate in such things, you never even have cause to notice it. Poor Joshua has been breaking my heart lately in his reactions to his food allergy limitations. In the past, he has been satisfied to have me bring an alternative for him that is safe. But over the past few weeks, he has been acutely aware of the fact that he is different. And it is breaking his heart...and mine right along with it. I am getting questions about why people have to always have food around and why it has to be so difficult. Why people always have to know he has a food allergy because he brings his own food everywhere we go?  Why it can't go away.

I have tried my best to answer all of those things the right way-- to tell him God makes no mistakes, so if he chose to give him a problem with peanuts, then there is a good reason for it. That there are so many other kids with issues far greater than his who are in hospitals or unable to go to school at all.  To be grateful for all of the things he can have and not focus on the one thing he cannot. But when push comes to shove, and you find yourself time and again having to say no to all of the things that your friends are doing, it just stinks. Sucks actually.

Just this week there have been 5 separate incidents requiring us to either pinch hit, make special arrangements or just decline attendance in something. A gingerbread house for school, a party at church, even our family Christmas party...all complicated. And that's only the tip of the iceberg. 3 of them happened today and I find myself really heavy hearted about it. I want to be able to fix it-- to do something that will help him-- but I find myself exhausted, out of time and stuck. And perhaps tonight I am feeling just a bit sad for my son.  So when the kennel told me tonight that they will not be flexible on the time we can pick Toby up on Monday morning-- I did what anyone would do when that last straw snaps.  I sat on the stage at Upward basketball practice and had a good cry. Never mind the 20 other people sitting around me. Never mind the chaos of the gym. It kind of matches the chaos in my head. 

Praying for the peace and joy that I know God promises us in this season to find its way to me.