It's 5:05 as I begin this post. And I'm WIDE awake. Actually, I have been since I attempted to lay down and go to sleep last night at 9:45. WIDE awake. I'm pretty sure that I may have fallen asleep for a small stint somewhere between getting up with Joshua at 11:40 and peeing at 1:30, but there wasn't any shut eye happening after that. I have managed to stop my heart from pounding out of my chest and have talked myself out of every crazy scenario of horrible things that could potentially happen this morning (you know the thoughts.....paralysis, something wrong with the baby, some horrible reaction to something they do or use.....you know the kind, right?). So I'm counting that as a success.
It all started last evening around dinner time when the excited butterflies in my stomach took a quick turn. All of a sudden, I went from "We're going to have a baby tomorrow. How awesome is that?" to "I'm having surgery tomorrow, after which I'll get the prize of being a new mommy again." The two are decidedly different, at least they were to me. I was a mixture of a ball of nerves, wanting to barf and thinking I might cry at the drop of a hat. This last ride of pregnancy hormones has certainly done a number on me.
You'd think I'd be less anxious about this c-section than I was with Joshua's, but I'm having a hard time comparing the two. With Joshua, the whole "scared about the surgery" thing was SO clouded by the "scared about the baby's health" thing. I had labored for 12 hours, and then we had all of 20 minutes to ready our minds for the thought of a c-section delivery, leaving little time for the typical Richard worry that I went through last night. Nevermind the fact that when your doctor says, "We have to do this" you don't really question whether you ought to or not. Oh sure, I was a bit panicked, but there wasn't time for real thoughtful panic like I've gone through in the past 12 hours. I also had the pleasure of "the Screamer" across the hall from me just hours earlier, and had developed a new found terror for the idea of an unmedicated delivery. (I met the Screamer, by the way. That's a good story I'll have to share with you if I've never done so. Let me know.)
Joshua, also, is totally clued in to what's going on. He amazes me with his sensitivity and attention to the details of what's going on around him and how people are feeling. He was up screaming at 11:40 (a bad dream, I think) and then awoke at exactly 3:58 calling for me. I remember that because I was laying there just waiting for the alarm to go off at 4:00 so that I could jump in the shower. I can't say that I minded cuddling up with him for a little while each time. I'm a little sad to think about his days as our one and only coming to a close, but I'm way more excited about giving him the gift of a sibling and watching him grow and love her like I know he will. Yes, I'm worried about him over the next couple of days, but I know he and Daddy will have lots of special time together. We have lots of help from Grandma and Nana as well, along with a visit from Aunt Libby on Saturday morning while we're coming home, so I know he'll have a ball. But I also know that things will be decidedly different when I get back home. Hopefully they'll be "good different" and I'm sure they will be, but they'll be different nonetheless.
So, rather than rambling on and on, I'll go and enjoy the last kicks I'm going to feel inside this tummy from our little girl. They may be the last I ever feel as an expectant mommy. What a ride this has been. And I know it's only just begun. We thank you all for your prayers and will be in touch today with news, stats and hopefully a photo as soon as time allows.
Talk to you all soon!
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