Speechless.

Mornings around our house are...how can I say this...hectic. Frantic maybe. Like we are trying to squeeze in 437 activities into a 45 minute span of time. This is not generally the time we reserve for deep conversation. Frankly, the goal is just to get everyone out the door before 7:35 with full-ish bellies and clothes that mostly match. (I say mostly because we seem to be going through some sort of phase where Josh is wanting to wear some hideously bright colored socks that go with his outfit about 2% of the time.  All the while Mara is having the worst time finding a pair of shoes that aren't "weird" or "itchy" or "too pretty".)

Joshua opened our discussion with an announcement about Christmas lists.  Apparently the kids were talking about them at school yesterday and ours are not the only ones who have begun to make their lists. One child announced to Josh that he is only allowed to put a certain number of things on his list because Santa only spends so much money on each child. Josh said he thought that wasn't true because Santa and his elves make the toys, they don't buy them.  This particular child comes from a family of 5, so I totally get why such a rule would apply. To Josh, however, this was just one little splinter in an apparently splinter filled belief. 

And this is where things got a bit dicey. Remember I hadn't yet had my coffee. And also was a bit preoccupied with the list of things I was doing. We had approximately 10 minutes for all of us to be packed and loaded for school. And that's when he hit me with it. 

"I don't even think Santa is real.  I mean, I have thought this for years, but I just haven't been able to figure out how you and Daddy do it."

If I looked stunned, it wasn't an act. I mean, I have known our days are numbered, but I wasn't in a position to address this whole thing while the girls were sitting right there.  Also, I feel like you should be able to call a time out on these doozy conversations so you can be sure to do it right. 

My strategy was simple in this case--- denial. And denial with conviction. Which was followed by the guilt of not telling him the whole truth.  Josh's mind works in absolutes. The world to him is all black and white. There is no gray.  He works in facts, and had all sorts of strong rationale for his doubts. What broke my heart wasn't necessarily the loss of his innocence about one of the magical parts of Christmas, but the fact that I feared him taking down the whole ship at once with his black and white absolute thinking.   Make no mistake that all of our children know the real reason for Christmas.  But we see nothing wrong with Santa either and have had a lot pf fun with the magic and wonder that only children can enjoy at the holidays. 

Since this conversation, nothing has been said again.  I am still not entirely sure how to address this with him, or even whether I should.  But the fact remains that he is a doubter at this point, and that alone is sad enough.