A Three Year Old's Guide to a Play Date

Let me just start this out by saying that I find it humorous that I even just typed "play date" in my blog post title. I think it's funny how formal we've made everything about motherhood sound. When Emily and I used to blow bubbles or ride our big wheels on Edgewood Place, I guess that was considered a "play date", but we just called it "playing". I think things were simpler then. Anyway.

It was a nice night last evening, so I thought Joshua might benefit from some run-around-outside-and-blow-some-stink-off playing. Then I thought that maybe Darla wanted some of that same kind of play time for Sydney, and selfishly thought that we also might enjoy some Mommy talking time and little baby admiring time while the bigger kids played together. Our last venture at playing together went very well...you might recall the pictures of them digging in the dirt nicely together and jumping to their hearts' content in Sydney's bounce house. I am sad to report that last evening's play time wasn't nearly as pleasant.

But I learned a lot about the rules to a play date when you're three. I'll share them in case you weren't aware, as I was not.

1. It is customary to throw every rule of gracious hosting completely out the window. If your guest wishes to have a drink, throw a fit about them using your cup and be certain to make a big deal about making sure they don't dare take it home with them.

2. Whatever thing/toy/game the other person gets out, regardless of whether you had just passed it by a moment earlier in the garage, you must immediately grab from the other person's hands. Do it quickly and aggressively. Show 'em who's boss.

3. If your friend is playing in the sandbox and has dumped sand onto the roads where the cars usually travel, you must immediately (I mean don't even wait a single second to let them enjoy their accomplishment) clean off all the sand because that's how you like it.

4. When it comes time for soccer, dive onto the ball to make sure the other child cannot kick it. I know that makes for good goal tending, but I'm sure the kids weren't attempting that. They were just attempting to make it miserable for the other one. Even when there are two balls present so that each of you can have one, continue to fight over the same ball until one of you cries, growls or gets put onto the step for being mean.

5. Similarly to soccer, when playing tee ball, taking turns is SO optional. Just jump right on in in front of the other child and hit whenever you want. Even better than that, make sure that you run out into the yard and fight over the ball when it lands to make sure the other child doesn't have the pleasure of returning the ball to the tee. Despite your Mommy's attempts at adding some simple rules to the game (As in, "Whoever hits the ball gets to go and get it from the yard for the next person.") ignore her whole heartedly and continue with this boarish behavior.

6. As often as you can, interject "MINE!" into your phrases.

7. Be as bossy and particular and picky as possible because that's the way to make sure you never get to play together again, and then all of this sharing and taking turns nonsense won't be important at all.

Now do you see why there were no pictures of this little "play date"? There was one victory to report. When we decided to get some drinks and popsicles for the kids, I had onto two frozen, one red and one green. I assumed this would be the next in the string of tragic events. But to my surprise, Sydney declared that she wanted green, and Joshua said that he wanted red. To which Darla and I both replied, "Amen!"

Darla and I covered one topic of conversation in depth throughout the course of an hour and a half. It was done in broken sentences interrupted by shouts of "Stop that!" "Play nicely, please." "It's not your turn." "Let her/him try now." "Can you please get off the bilco doors." "SERIOUSLY, get off the bilco doors!" "Don't you dare push him/her." "Nice kick!" "Now that's how we play nicely with each other, good job!" "Go sit on the step until you can share." "No, not forever, just until you're ready to play nicely and share." I don't want to speak for Darla, but I can tell you that I was exhausted.

So, now you know. If you have a child who is not yet 3, all I can say is to enjoy the "Terrible Two's". They're NOTHING compared to three. And if 4 doesn't get better, you might as well write my ticket to the funny farm right now.