I owe you an update...

I promised an update about our visit to Geisinger on Friday morning. The weekend has flown by and left me without much "updating" time. I believe the appropriate (though succinct) text messages and the few phone calls I was able to make on Friday got the main idea of our visit out to those who were praying. So here are the details.

Jason and I were pleasantly surprised to hear our name called to go back for our ultrasound scan 10 minutes BEFORE our appointment. The excitement was dashed when we sat in the hallway for 40 minutes waiting for a room and a tech. We were finally taken in around 12 to start our scan. The tech measured and measured and measured...although talked us through most of it while she did it....for about an hour. I was asking questions about the things I know to look for about T18 babies, looking for any kind of reassurance she could give us. She wasn't giving much. The baby was very active, a good sign. But that also meant that it was hard to gather the pictures in the kind of detail we needed to get any kind of positive encouragement about the baby's health.

Every good thing we saw got taken away or mitigated by something else. We saw a four chamber heart pumping away beautifully, but the septal wall is still fuzzy on the screen, so there's no way to guarantee that there is no hole in the heart. We saw open fingers (on both hands), but they were waving and wiggling, so there was no way to count all 10. We saw little feet that the doctor said she "likes the shape of" (ie. not appearing to be clubbed feet), but again the wiggling got in the way of counting all ten. We saw a stomach that had fluid in it, so that meant the baby could swallow. But we couldn't get into more detail with the stomach or intestines to know for sure that they're all in the right place. We saw kidneys, but they couldn't be sure that there were no cysts there to be concerned about. The tech and the doctor both said that the brain looked good- everything was measuring correctly and they couldn't see any cysts or fluid or other scary things that they're looking for there. Arm and leg bones looked beautifully straight.

We did learn, or have clarified, that my risks for Trisomy 18 are actually higher this time than they were with Joshua. Joshua was 1 in 41, and this baby is appearing to be 1 in 33. The doctor had my blood test results side by side and said she couldn't believe how close these results were. She said that gave her a little more confidence for us because it may just be something about ME! Hallelujah to that. BUT......they couldn't give us any more than about a 70-80% assurance that things are OK until they scan again and do a fetal echocardiogram in 5 weeks. That is scheduled for June 4th.

I left there feeling more positive than I did when I got there, so I guess that was progress. We're still scared, and both Jason and I feel like we've been through the wringer twice now with these scares. Neither of us are sure that we could ever do this again. If we are blessed with two healthy, beautiful babies, I believe that'll be all the farther we go. It's gut wrenching to go through this, but we're walking through the best we can.

Everyone (Mark at Dr. Miller's office, Dr. Miller, the ultrasound tech and Dr. Schucker at Geisinger) seems to say that time is what we need. Time for the baby to get bigger so that everything can be seen with more clarity. I suspect that, between now and June 4th, we will be given an opportunity to have our "regular" ultrasound that non-troubled people like us get to have around 20 weeks with Mark. It may seem like overkill, but we'll likely accept that appointment. Another set of eyes on a slightly larger baby sounds good to Jason and I both.

The rest of the weekend was filled with a nutso yard sale at our house (community yard sale day in Milton) that raked in about $500 for the Dugan family. All of that will likely be spent on taxi rides and other purchases that amount to nothing when Jason and I leave for our few day escape to New York City on Thursday morning. But on a good note, the basement is significantly cleaner now than it was. We started with a garage full and ended with 1/2 of a clothing rack and one half of a table with things on it. Not too shabby for a morning's work. Joshua was a trooper, although he did yell at one or two people for touching his toys that were for sale. That didn't help sales much. He was treated to a new toy for all of his help. He picked out a drum....a real drum with sticks and a strap and everything. So now we have our own little marching drumline in our living room. Lovely.

I'll work on some pictures of the little drummer boy and maybe one from the ultrasound on Friday if I can figure out how to scan something at work. We got a very cute little profile shot that has me smitten already. We thank you for your prayers and well wishes over the last few days. I hope I never have to return the favor for anyone else, but I appreciate your appeals on our behalf.

The past few days...

I've had a rule for myself the past few days. The rule was that I wasn't going to allow myself to get on the Internet and start googling all the things that have been running through my mind. I've made that mistake before. And so, when I'm feeling like I'd like to jump in and peek at some info before this morning, I decided I should blog instead.

On Monday morning, I went to have the blood drawn for our Triple Screen genetic testing. This is the test that sent us into orbit when I was pregnant with Joshua. Many may wonder why I'd do it again after the false positive experience we had that time, but I feel strongly about knowing as much as we can about our baby and what we may be facing. I'm questioning that decision just a bit as I sit here this morning, 5 hours from an appointment with the specialists at Geisinger to determine if our new baby is affected by the same horrible condition that they suspected Joshua to be.

Wednesday afternoon when the phone rang at the office, I just knew who it was. Jessica, a wonderful, compassionate nurse at Dr. Miller's office called to let me know that the results were in much sooner than expected (I KNOW this was a gift from God....you'll see why in a minute). They were positive, showing a 1 in 33 chance of our baby being affected with Trisomy 18. The odds with Joshua were 1 in 31, so I suppose if we're looking for a glimmer of hope here, at least we're moving in the right direction, however so slightly. Jess, knew we'd panic, and immediately called upstairs to the other OB practice in Lewisburg where the ultrasound tech that all of the offices share was working that day. Somehow she convinced him to see me that day. He skipped his supper to do a scan for us in Dr. Miller's office at 6:00.

That scan revealed nothing conclusive either way. He said he saw a very active baby with a strong heartbeat, but that I was too early gestationally to do an anatomy scan. Having been down this road once before, I was a little shocked. The last time, we headed straight to Geisinger and had been amazed with the clarity that their ultrasound provided on this tiny little 5" long person. We watched them measure every bone, organ and muscle in Joshua's body with painstaking detail. And now, Mark said it was too soon. We saw a fuzzy baby who dated right on track for my due date, but no detail that gave any indication one way or the other as to whether they are affected with Trisomy 18.

Dr. Miller said that he would completely support our desires to seek the opinion of Geisinger's doctors if we wished to. We do....for information, for peace of mind, for clarity about what's going on. They were able to get us an appointment for this morning at 11:30 to see the same doctor who gave us the assuring news that Joshua was going to be just fine three years ago.

They'll be looking at all of the markers for Trisomy 18- club feet, clenched fists, brain and heart issues, organ malfunction, polycystic kidneys, and the list goes on and on and on.

I am slightly less panicked than I was when this happened the first time. I know full well that we could be in trouble here, although I've not really let myself dwell too much on that possibility. I wonder if maybe there's just something about my own body that is throwing this test off to the same statistical degree as the last time. And then the doubts creep in and I wonder if we can really be lucky enough to get good news twice. I pray that God's will for this situation is that I'm just royally screwed up and throw something into this blood test that earns us the royal treatment with doctors with 80 degrees behind their names at a world class hospital down the road. I'm scared...petrified really, but we're holding it together on the hope that we've been here before and survived. All it takes is one look at Joshua....the "sick" baby who the genetic counselors advised us to be ready to "make some decisions about".....and we realize that good news is a very honest possibility. I choose to cling to that right now.

I'll share what news we get later today. Your prayers are coveted...for this tiny little person who we love so much that it hurts. Pray for clear pictures, a cooperative baby who holds still enough to get the pictures and measurements that the techs need, and wisdom for the doctors who will be helping us. And a little strength for us wouldn't be a bad thing to add to the list if its not too much to ask.

Before and After

Joshua needed a haircut. In a bad way.

See?

He was such a big boy- sat up in the barber chair all by himself. Talked with Rene the whole time she was cutting his hair. I was so proud of him. But I wondered where my baby went?? He looked awfully grown up sitting up there.

BEFORE

AFTER

Just when I think...

I've been at a loss for material lately...and didn't yesterday just come along with some really silly stuff to write about? This may sound awfully disjointed, but you're probably used to that as long as this isn't your very first trip to our blog.

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That's the Price You Pay for a New Pair of Black Shoes

In all of the things that I cleared out of my closet last week, an overabundance of shoes was not one of them. I do not really have a thing with shoes...at least if we're going to put this into the perspective of the way a female usually adores shoes. My husband would disagree, I'd bet. But anyway. I normally have about 5 pairs of shoes that I wear....and I do mean wear. My patent leather, pointy toed black heels were my most beloved. I probably wore them 5 out of the 6 days each week that I have to get dressed up. Love. Those. Shoes. They've been showing some wear, and I've been stretching them out as long as I could.



Yesterday morning before church, I got dressed in my trusty black shoes and realized that when I walked on the hardwood floor I sounded like I had tap shoes on. Joshua even asked me why my walk sounded funny. It's because the shoes breathed their last. The tip on the heel was gone and I now, officially, had black patent leather, pointy toed tap shoes. Not good. I can't tap dance.



So we needed to hit the mall. I couldn't let Monday come without shoes. I decided I'd pull a super mom feat...change from church, shove lunch down Joshua's throat (in 45 minutes rather than an hour...amazing, I know), get to the mall, secure shoes and get back before we had missed the window of opportunity for a nap. No sleeping in the car because with Joshua, that means, NO NAP. And if you recall, I had big plans to work on the basement yard sale items while he slept.



We got the shoes. They're not patent leather, but they are pointy toed and they do make me quite happy. I believe they will even be able to be fancied up for our gala dinner in New York City next weekend. (Read: I will not be buying an impractical pair of strappy cute shoes to wear to a ONE TIME dinner in New York City. Go back and read about my wearing out theory on shoes if that doesn't make sense.) But here's where it all fell apart. Joshua was a great sport at the mall. He threw 8 pennies directly into the fountain with no misses and was super proud of himself. He chatted with people we knew and some we didn't. Really, it was a fun trip. He was groggy on the way home....eyes very heavy. He even closed them for about 10 minutes at one point. He woke up screaming and didn't close his eyes again until 10 pm last evening.



No nap. No basement cleaning done. And that, my friends, is the price you pay for a new pair of black shoes.

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No Nap Makes Joshua Very Silly...

Here are a few silly play time pictures from yesterday. With no sleep, it seemed to really spark Joshua's silly creative play. Here he is with his wobble goggles on his head and his bear light around his neck while he "fixed" the TV as I made dinner. As tired as he was, he was playing pretty independently and pretty contentedly. I enjoyed watching it.

These are from football practice with Daddy. He's getting a little better with catching, and boy can he ever throw. They giggle and carry on, and so do I. Luckily, the camera was close by and I was able to catch a few of the proud accomplishment smiles when he caught the ball. We're not quite ready to send a tape to JoePa yet, but he's having fun.

Doctor kit bag on head. Using his maracas and tamborine as a drum. What more can I say than that. I have no idea what was going on here. Jason and I were talking and all of a sudden he said, "Look at him!"

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Phone Call To Dr. Miller

Dr. Miller is our (really, my) OB/GYN. I don't know why Joshua decided that he needed to talk to him yesterday evening, but he did. I'll rescipt this as closely as possible because you really do need to get the whole thing as I did observing it.



Television remote pressed to his face like a telephone.



"Hello? Dr. Miller? This is Joshua Dugan calling."



Pause.



"I'm calling because I need to ask you something. My mommy hurt her foot. (We were sitting on our bed talking to Jason and he told me he needed to "fix" me.) Could you come and take a look at it?"



I kid you not. I'm not sure why he thought Dr. Miller would be a good choice for my foot since that's not exactly his.......um.......specialty. Not even close. But we didn't get into that.

Haven't been very good at this lately...

I wish I had a REALLY good, interesting reason for being MIA over the past few days. We've been here, doing our very same uninteresting things that we usually do, but I haven't had enough time to write about them...and perhaps feared that the broken-record might sound a bit boring to you. But there are a few things going on that have me behind schedule, or perhaps have redirected my attention from blog posts to other things. I'll recount...in case you're interested.

Closet Job--- Oh my goodness. I consider myself a relatively neat person. Everyone tells me I can keep a pretty neat house, and I take pride in that, despite the mountain of toys that we live with. However, I've learned something about myself in the last week or so. I'm a closet junkie. If you can shove things behind a door and shut it for the world NOT to see, that's evidently what I do. Jason and I are working to consolidate our closets (one walk-in full for him, one walk-in full for me) down to one walk-in period. Yikes. But what I learned when I started to tackle this job is that I have not cleaned out my closet (and I mean REALLY cleaned out my closet) since college. Ridiculous. About 6 garbage bags of clothes went to be donated...and that's what I didn't think would sell in our yard sale. I think I had a serious problem. It's better now, but I make a vow never to let that happen again.

Yard Sale--- Next weekend in Milton is the infamous Community Yard Sale Day. On this day every year, millions of insane people descend upon Greenbriar Drive. I do not exaggerate. They all come seeking bargains. We, personally, seek to clean out our basement. So, it's been two years since we've put anything out for this sale and we're planning to do so this year. Which means that I need to get my act together. The closet project has zapped all free (read: Joshua sleeping) time that I have in the past week, so this week is crunch time. I'm planning a Tuesday afternoon at home as well as all day Friday to prep this stuff and get it outside. Making a few bucks would be nice, but getting the crap out of the basement would be better.

Nice Weather--- Every spare second we've had that was not involving my head in the closet sorting through Heaven only knows what, we've been outside with Joshua. We've had trips to the park, lawn mowing, chalk drawing (his most recent masterpiece is a whale, a bunch of pelicans and the number 100 all in the driveway....no joke), and even a pizza party with Sydney. See why I haven't written?

So now at least I've shared the reasons for my absence. I know they're not great ones. And at least I've shared one new Joshua picture. I'll work on more today if I can. Nap time today starts the work in the basement.......Lord, give me strength.

Sleeping in?

I think by now, you all know our situation with sleeping in this house. It isn't pretty. Sadly...I'm used to it. And this may be a helpful trait when the newest Dugan comes to live with us in October. At least that's how I choose to frame it for the sake of sanity.

But...we appear to be on a bit of a new and improved schedule as far as Joshua is concerned. Up until about a week ago, he was going down (finally) after about an hour of reading, rocking, singing, etc. at 9:30 and then would be up, raring to go between 5 and 6. I know it doesn't seem like an earth shattering improvement, but he's now had his peepers closed at the same 9:30-ish timeframe, but has been sleeping peacefully until 7 and sometimes even 8:00! Honestly....those two hours are magic to me.

You also, by this time, know that I do not claim victory in the sleeping department.....well, not ever. So, I'm simply counting my blessings for a few days of extra breathing room in the morning. And for as long as it lasts, I'll be thankful.

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It's been a very quiet week here so far. Joshua and Daddy have been filling the house with giggles while they play sports after dinner. (As I think about it, perhaps the SPORTS are playing a role in this extra-tired situation. Hmmmmm.) Joshua has learned to throw a small football and can sometimes even catch it. Last evening they were playing baseball a bit and Joshua seemed to enjoy that. So far, no casualties in the house with broken things. It's fun to watch.....the giggles are contagious.

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I was pleased to learn yesterday from the kind people at Baby Center who send me emails about the little one in my tummy, that he or she is now 4.5 inches long. Awesome. Now what could explain the significantly-larger-than-that bump I am sporting? I'm now in that phase where I've had multiple people congratulate me on being pregnant, which says something. People just don't do that unless they're SURE you are.

I still have no firm guess in my mind as to whether this baby is a boy or a girl. If I HAD to guess, I'd say it's a girl, but I wouldn't put any money on it. Our next appointment is in a few weeks (May 6th- just before Jason and I leave on our New York City trip). That will be the dreaded alpha feta protein blood test that sent us racig to Geisinger with Joshua. I'm pretty sure we've decided to go ahead with that test despite the anxiety it causes us both. I just feel like, if there's something wrong, I want to know about it. It most certainly wouldn't change our course of action, but I'd want to know. After that, we'll probably get to schedule the ultrasound for whenever that will be. I'm uncertain whether they'll have me wait another full 4 weeks and do it around 22 weeks, or whether we'll schedule for 20.

So that's it from this camp. Hmmmm.....what to do until Joshua wakes up? This is AMAZING!! Have I said that?

Weekend in pictures...

I had so much fun capturing Joshua's fun on the camera this weekend. It finally felt like spring and we definitely took advantage of the sunshine and warm weather. I'm learning that, when it comes to raising a little boy, you can measure the "happiness" in a day by the filth in the bath water at the end of it. It was a very happy one for Joshua.

Sequence & Back in the Rhythm...

Duck.
Horse.
Chipmunk.
Climbing Tower.
Slide.
Swing #1.
Swing #2.

Repeat.

Then repeat again.

I'm noticing a few patterns developing with Joshua lately. He's turning into quite the sequencer. Partially, it scares me. And the other part of me figures that this is totally normal due to the genes he inherited. I tend to do things in the exact same order as well. Makeup. House cleaning. Grocery lists. Just about everything happens the exact same way every time I do it. Joshua has started to exhibit that as well.

Yesterday he woke up from his nap quite literally begging me to take him on a walk to the playgrounds. It was so beautiful and I had dinner under control, so we went. We had a blast, but I couldn't help but notice that Joshua had to do the activities in a very particular order...and then complete the circuit multiple times before we left.

We ended up going on another walk in the evening with Darla and Sydney, and he repeated the same sequence then too. On a side note, two walks in one day for this ever growing mommy was wonderful! Warm weather is going to be welcomed for the opportunity to get some blasted exercise!

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I'm also back in the rhythm this morning to return to work after a brief little "vacation" of sorts. It's been a very strange week, but such a blessing to have the opportunity to spend 4 days in a row with Joshua. We had so much fun. Yesterday was a day to do all of our jobs in an effort to save our weekend for some fun things. We cleaned the house from top to bottom, did about 3 loads of laundry (well, 2 1/2....one load is still in the dryer to be folded and put away), went grocery shopping, spent an hour at the office to give Julie a break for lunch, took a great nap, made dinner......we were PRODUCTIVE! We spent a few hours playing outside enjoying the nice day, as well. By all accounts, it was a great one.

I'm hoping to hit the St. Mary's Street park (Emily will probably be the only person who reads that and knows what I'm talking about) on Saturday morning for a while. We'll see how that shakes out. I'm betting that everyone in Lewisburg will likely have the same idea. It's like the mother of all playgrounds and Joshua absolutely loves it there. I'll take the camera if we go.

So it's back to reality for today....but that's OK. I don't mind our reality too much. But I will be anxious to get home to my buddy after work.

I could get used to this...

Home again today. I'm beginning to think that I could get used to this.

Getting up to make breakfast for Joshua without rushing around and trying to anxiously cross 10 things off of the infamous "to do" list before 7:00 am.

Making a point to do something special with Joshua every day. Like the library yesterday and the mall to throw pennies in the fountain (his request) today. The bonus for me was getting to return some things that have been laying on our spare bed for over 3 weeks. There's just no time for the mall normally.

Having my meal plan AND grocery list finalized on Tuesday for next week so that we can grocery shop when we feel like it this week instead of rushing around like crazy people to finalize a list and get there on Friday afternoon with all of the other crazy people.

Stopping in to the office for 30 minutes to check on things, realizing that everything is 100% under control. Perhaps I am not even being missed.

Working at home for 1 hour this morning on business things while spending the other 7 hours (so far) doing whatever Joshua wanted to. Mostly today it's been reading his library books and playing football.

Spending Joshua's naptime cleaning out dresser drawers in preparation for the great bedroom swap that's upcoming. I'm too embarassed to tell you how many LARGE BLACK LAWN SIZED garbage bags I removed from the premises this afternoon. But let's just say it took several trips down the stairs. All the while, I got to listen to my favorite little snorer sawing logs in his bed, happily dreaming of reading more library books and playing more football when he awakes.

Meatballs cooking in the crockpot for dinner when Jason gets home. No stress. No messy cleanup (did that already).

Laundry caught up. Folded. Put into its rightful place amongst the other clean things. I even managed some ironing.

One to-do list almost completely checked off. There is nothing that makes this Type A Mama happier than that.

If there's one thing I've learned by being a working mom, and I have a feeling all other working moms have as well (for sheer survival) is the value of an hour, or a day...or four. I've often said that I think I could accomplish just about anything with one extra day at home each week. What I used to have to spread over a whole week's time (before Joshua), I can now squeeze pretty successfully into a day, or even a half of a day if the need arises. So I'm not quite sure what to do with myself while home on this unexpected "vacation" of sorts. It appears that this Heaven will continue through Thursday as the plans stand now.

I'm starting to think that I could get used to this.

Easter Weekend

Not the best picture, but one or both of them was squirmy in all of the pictures.

We've returned from our weekend trip to Lewistown and, I think, finally have everything unpacked and in it's rightful place. Joshua had a great time, despite the fact that he felt really crummy most of the weekend. I know, because I was right there with him. Our colds went from bad to really, really, really bad on Thursday and Friday. And honestly, Saturday and Sunday weren't great either. We're both perking up a bit today, but it's been a long haul.

Highlights of the weekend would definitely include Joshua finding all of the eggs that the Easter Bunny hid for him while he napped on Saturday afternoon, as well as the special Easter treats he found from Grandma, Nana and Pap, and Aunt Libby & Uncle Zig. We ate an awesome Easter dinner on Saturday night and then got up and went to church at my home church on Sunday morning. Joshua and Brooke both ended up in the nursery for the second half of church, but we had fun catching up with all of the other little ones who were in there.

I find myself home unexpectedly for a majority of this week due to a sudden death in Jason's family. Joshua and I spent this morning doing chores, then we went to the library to pick out some new books to read and then took a trip to Mommy's office to do a little work and give Bonnie a break for lunch. I've made our Easter eggs into egg salad that I might have to close my eyes to eat. It is...shall we say...tinted by the dye from the eggs. Looks festive and slightly scary at the same time. Next on my list is changing our sheets and folding laundry. Gotta love being ahead of schedule, although not under good circumstances in this case. I expect to be home tomorrow and then again on Wednesday to attend funeral services. Nana will be on the way to help for the day of the funeral once we hear when that's scheduled.